Men’s Interests

The note below was written recently by a new mother to an online single parent peer support group, and will come as quite a surprise to many fathers denied custody by vengeful ex-partners and the family courts. Luckily this new mom found Single-Parents- on Yahoo Groups, whose members are described as:

…male, female, young, old, separated, divorced, widowed, never married, custodial, non-custodial, joint-custodial, straight, gay, bisexual, many religions, non-religious, biological , grand, foster, ex-step, and adoptive parents.

Her note:

…I want to thank all of you for your input on my last post about shared custody, based on my own thoughts and what you have all shared with me I have decided to agree to the shared custody wishes of my son’s dad. Though there are obviously going to be some stipulations I really do believe that the shared custody will not only be good for my son but also our relationship.

With 71% of Single-Parents-’s 3639 members being heterosexual single mothers, one might expect a new mom to be advised to fight for complete control when discussing child custody, something often suggested by attorneys and promoted on radical feminist and quasi domestic violence forums. Discussions like that occured before the group was assigned to Teri Stoddard, blogger on the worldwide family law reform movement and egalitarian.

Now new members to Single-Parents- are often pleasantly surpised by the interactions on the forum, writing

“I’ve read so many helpful posts already. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one dealing with these things,”

“It’s great to read posts by single dads. You guys have renewed my faith in men,” and

“I got angry. But now I get it. I’m trying to see it from his perspective and I see that helping.”

Makes ya wanna smile, doesn’t it?

I enjoy Beliefnet.com because it respects all religions, as I do. I came across a section called Preachers & Teachers, “nuggets of wisdom, inspiration, and advice,” and it sure is.

from DivorceWizards:

Free shared parenting plans are available on SharedParentingWorks.org.

divorce prayer marriage faith husband wife religion collaborativedivorce sharedparenting jointcustody

In this Contra Costa Times article Separated But Equal McVal Osborne interviewed local teens whose parents chose collaborative divorce and/or shared parenting. Osborne is a junior at Las Lomas High School in Walnut Creek [California] and a member of the Times’ Life in Perspective, a board made up of local high school journalists.

Says Michael Saarela, a junior who rotates weekly among three households, his mother’s, his stepmother’s, and his father’s:

“I feel that kids who go through divorce are more vivacious and vibrant. I’ve been moving from house to house all my life and it’s taught me a lot. It’s taught me how to be patient.”

Sydney Koliha, a junior who transfers weekly from Walnut Creek to Berkeley and back says:

“Nobody could give me a greater gift than the struggle I had when I was growing up. It allowed me to be independent and learn to take care of myself.”

Sounding like a typical teen from an intact family, Max Nied complained:

“It’s kind of a pain. If I want to go out Saturday night I have to get permission from my dad, and then I have to get permission from my mom to get picked up.”

Then went on:

“I would have to say my family situation is good and bad. I get to see both of my parents every week while my stepsister Aimee only gets to see her dad about once every month…”

More about collaborative divorce:

“The biggest difference between collaborative divorce and litigation is that the parents must agree to try to do what is best for the kids,” says attorney Michael Carter, a member of the Collaborative Practice Group of Contra Costa.

Peggy Thompson, also a member of the CPGCC, believes strongly that children should have the right to influence how the divorce is resolved.

“The most important thing is that the children have their own person to talk to,” says Thompson, a family psychologist and co-author of ‘Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life.’ “Very often their ideas are not taken into consideration.”

According to Thompson, questions of child custody should not be set in stone. As families change and the children mature, it may become obvious that child visitations should be modified.

“In collaborative practice, we use a whole different vocabulary because we aren’t dealing with court cases; we’re dealing with human beings,” Thompson says. “Think of the word ‘custody’ — we take criminals into custody. I prefer to think of it as a plan for parenting.”

Thompson says that with the right amount of guidance from child specialists, teens can often create their own schedules that support their developmental needs.

“When teenagers are able to make their calendar, they seem to have much better relationships with their parents,” Thompson says. “Kids that have no say in where they go often become depressed because they lose control over their own lives.”

Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life

The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method that Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids–Without Going to Court

divorce, child custody, shared parenting, collaborative divorce